What did I do to deserve this and what could I do so to make it different? These questions went thru my mind so often. A lot of moms and fathers blame themselves when they lose a child. I know I did and I felt like my husband had to blame me. After all, it was my body that had failed.
All I could think is I would do anything, give anything for this to be different. Before I got pregnant again I sat and thought. I did not know what I did but I knew that something I had or had not done was the reason my child was gone. I even tried to ponder was it punishment for having been raped when I was a teenager. Despite knowing that God is a loving God and would not punish me like this but I just knew it had to be something. I thought for days and even made a list of all the wrong things I had done and could remember.
If I could just pinpoint what it was that I had done that had made me unworthy of having a child I could atone and fix it. In my mind I knew I could not bring the ones I lost back but maybe I could avert losing another one. This stage of grief accompanied a lot of “If only” statement
- I had gone to the doctor that day
- Had gotten more rest
- Had interviewed more doctors
- My husband or mom had been home to help me
- Not had sex with my husband 3 days before
- Not had the greasy pizza
Basically, everything I had done up to the point of loss I questioned. I remember praying to God to forgive me for whatever wrong I had done and I tried to bargain with him that I would be a better person if given another chance. I pretty much tried to bargain everything but my soul and I would have gladly given that for my child. Guilt came along with my attempts at bargaining and if only’s. And with the guilt the depression hit.